Rules of the Trail

Rules of the Trail

Biking and waddling along the Potomac river is popular. Here are some tips for doing it right.

It’s the season again for everyone to go outside and do stuff that will over-exhaust most. Before you set foot on the city’s busy bike trails, the Mount Vernon Trail in particular, please read these important policies that are in effect immediately. This is an official notice. Kind of.

№ 1 – Don’t get all pissy with cyclists who don’t a) ring the bell or b) shout “On your left!” when they pass your slow ass. You’re going to get passed — a lot. If that’s sensory overload for your feeble brain, stay home and watch TV, or something.

№ 2 – If you are overweight and want to lose poundage, don’t just walk. We’re sorry to break it to you, but walking is not going to cut it. It just gums up an already crowded trail. And it will needlessly make you cranky and bitch at cyclists passing you at what must seem like magical Mach 5 speed. It’s a lose-lose for all. Except for your pounds.

№ 3 – Move, or hobble, or whatever, in single-file. By all means, you’re inviting trouble if there’s two of you and you walk next to one another. That is especially true if you fall under rule No. 2.

№ 4 – If you are on a bike yourself and are barely able to sustain forward momentum, trust the professionals. Nobody zooming head-on towards your upright ass during a passing maneuver actually wants to crash into you. Crazy, isn’t it? They’ll skillfully hop back into their lane before a collision, and there’s no need to get all hot and bothered about any close calls. Promise.

№ 5 – Bonus tip for in the city, off the trail: Don’t say shit like, “Hey, bike lane? … Anyone?”, to a guy riding on the sidewalk, which happened to us this morning. We’re usually not there by choice, you see. And, really, you must have bigger problems to complain about, right? Right?!

Enjoy the weather!